Am I a bitch?

So, my partner has a habit of not communicating well, lying or “forgetting” to tell me things that he’s known for weeks that involves me. It happens more when he’s away for work. I was sick for a few days and his ex (kids together) just messaged me asking me about being sick… I had no idea he had told his ex and I flipped. I understand why he told her and completely agree, however it’s the fact that he didn’t tell me he was telling her that pissed me off. This is a regular reoccurrance with the exes, am I a bitch? I guess it would seem that way if you didn’t understand the back story over the last few years, it feels like I’ve been left out of important details and we aren’t working together on things.

I don’t think you are a bitch. He should be talking with you about anything he says to his ex. I’d be pissed about it. I’m pretty forgetful but I tell my partner everything I say to an ex. Also unless it has got to do with the kids then not sure why he is saying anything. I would understand if you have the virus but yeah otherwise he shouldn’t be saying anything to her. That’s what I think anyway. Hope you are ok hugs

He told the ex in case I made the kids sick, i understand why but I just wanted to be included in decision making

Which is totally fair. Don’t feel bad about it. You are supposed to be a team. Tell him how you feel.

Oh I have, and I’m being unrealistic and he’s not speaking to me now and saying he’s over this shit and from now on I can just communicate with the ex

He’s being childish. Just ignore it and move on. Sometimes they just don’t get it hey. Hope he snaps out of it and apologises.

As long as your not making actual unrealistic demands like that he “pre-approves” everything he says to his ex with you then your gripes are to a certain level justified. It doesn’t take much to mention after a drop off or phone call or whatever that BTW I told bitchface (because all guys call their exs bitchface, it’s a rule) that XYZ, or ABC.

The one thing I would caution against is letting any of your past taint your perspective of the present. If your co-parenting (fucking stupid word but whatever) you HAVE to have a relationship, and a workable one, with your ex. And those relationships can be complicated as shit. Unresolved issues surrounding doubt and trust and the like from previous relationships can sometimes (and certainly not all the time) make perfectly innocent, stupid or just plain thoughtless actions look a little more malicious than they actually are.

I know there’s certain times when I have no interest in telling my partner what I spoke to my ex about. It’s between us. But I usually tell her exactly that. I talked to her about shit, but it’s stuff between us.

It’s give and take.

But you also need to look at it in the framework of the entire relationship, if his ex is just ONE MORE THING he’s not telling you about, then they are starting to look a little more like red flags (amber flags maybe :wink: )

We are all highly emotive creatures (even if the males of the species do a better job of hiding that) and it’s all too easy to get carried away with our reactions, and that usually happens on both sides.

But most people will know deep down when they sit and think about it rationally what the answer is or what they should do, sometimes the harder part is where they should go from here, what’s the next move, inertia is very strong in these cases. You see and hear of people all the time going I knew I should have left him/her years ago etc. there’s a reason for that.

Women, from my personal experience at least seem to be far more “paranoid” (too harsh a word but it conveys the idea) surrounding guys not telling them, or even worse hiding, stuff. the old cliché of leave me for a younger hotter model shit, I think sometimes it can fan the flames of residual insecurities that we can and do all have about not being enough for our partners and them finally realising and finding someone who is.

The idea that, if she’s not telling me that what ELSE is he not telling me… the force is strong in that one…

Every situation is unique and exs are always complications and when kids are involved necessary complications and it’s hard as shit to do but try to step back and take the emotion out of it, take the feelings of hurt or resentment and look it at the action set apart from everything else. then you can decide how appropriate it was in the framework of your own personal relationship with that person and move forward from there.

HTH

I don’t think for any second he wants to run back to his ex or trade me in for a younger model, I’m pretty confident in that, he can just be super inconsiderate at times.

I don’t want him to get approval before telling her things, I just want to be included even afterwards, especially if it involves me.

For example, the ex wanted us to have the kids for an extra 2 days and keep them home from school on a Friday, they discussed the fact my kids are still in school Friday and it would have to be ran past me etc… however I didnt find any of this out until his ex messaged me about it 3 wks later and they had spoken about it numerous times

And that’s what you have to do, you have to take all these individual bits and look at them through the prism of your own relationship and it’s boundaries, nature and parameters.

The one question you DO need to ask and look at closely is repeat behaviour… Just like a child, if you tell them somethings bad or wrong and they shouldn’t do it and they keep doing it then the consequences escalate. Same thing applies. If you’ve spoken to him about this stuff before and he’s STILL doing it. then you need to decide what your going to do about that.

A lot of the time the “what he’s doing” doesn’t matter as much. it’s the fact you’ve clearly and repeatedly told him you don’t like it and want him to stop. If he keeps doing it… well…

I’d certainly be peeved. If it is something that involves you, then yes, you need to be aware of it. It may be something that just comes up in their convo, so obviously you can’t give “pre approval” (for want of a better phrase lol), but you should definitely be told straight away. Otherwise when it’s brought up to you, you are left looking like a dickhead because you have not clue what is going!!